it is a disease

you don’t know why anymore
you don’t understand why you let yourself do this
sometimes you shake as your mind fights with itself
and your hand quivers as one slice becomes jagged and unclean
sometimes you are so still and you don’t think
and your hand is precise and to the point, and it doesn’t even burn
sometimes it is a release as the breath rattles out of you
release from rage, sadness, everything
it is terrible you feel freedom from the edge of glinted blade
but sometimes you feel nothing
nothing as everything turns red and you know you should be concerned but god, you don’t want to care
it is terrible that you feel nothing with that pain
you don’t know why you let it happen again
but there is no going back now