i watched as goodness died in my arms
“i will save you. . .”
his laughter was intermittent with dying heaves
he knew what i did not
i did not speak for days
empty, my eyes blinked at a coffin
tears could not fall
sobs could not shake me
i glimpsed the dark when i was young
it crawled into my mind, settled, and faded
but i wandered into the shadowed arms of darkness when goodness died
it did not scream, push, or pull
it was simply there
and i welcomed its existence
because it was simply there when nothing else was
“i did not save him!”
now i yelled
i screamed and roared
palms bloody from clenched fists
eyes red from hot tears
i saw another face as i screamed
surprise, but most of all
pain was echoed on his face
“i was to protect him. . .”
i still remembered every time i would i would push him out of the clever hand of danger
“i was to teach him. . .”
i saw his face as he heard me speak, out of foolhardy wisdom or hardened experience
“and what did i do?”
i choked on my breath, memories of attachment burning me
“i failed him!”
then the dark came to me
it did not control me, it only urged emotions long hidden
and i, naive, did not see what it was beginning to do
it did not come as an enemy, but as a friend
this time suffering turned to outrage
“stop, stop. . .” He said
if i remember correctly, i heard his voice crack
and my voice stopped
but my body did not
my shoulders shook
sobs shook them to their core
and he moved
moved closer until his palms touched my arms
for a moment i only recognized an adversary
but i saw the face of a man i knew
and i surrendered and let my face fall
i am not weak-willed
i am not one to rely on others for strength
but in this moment i let go of trying to remain of who i was
of who i was taught to be
because through all the strength
the human still remains
“i don’t know. . .”
i couldn’t regain anything,
anything of my mind
“stop.” he said
and i felt him
he was calm as he searched and searched
and in my mind i screamed
his grip left my arms and curled around my neck
he pressed his forehead to mine
and i shuddered, relief collapsing my lungs
“i can’t pretend that i know your pain.”
No one could
i was guilty and a hole had been ripped into my chest
No one could
“but i see it.”
i know you saw it
i let you in
then he said nothing
he knew words were not what i needed or wanted
for how long we had bonded, he always knew
this time everything was silent in the world
and the only things that moved
was the quiet and heavy tears down my face
there is no instant healing from loss
but there is a beginning
a poet's confessional 